Transcribed by: Hawa Kante

Zoe: Hey, everyone. It's Zoe. Today on Squirt, we are going to be talking about hookup horror stories.

London: Hey, everyone, it's London. I'm really excited for today's episode because we have some really, really great stories for you guys.

Bethany: Hey, guys, it's Bethany. I hope you're ready to be spooked out this Halloween by all these creepy ass relationship stories.

London: It's men. Surprise. It's just the men. 

Bethany: You know what?  You think there are some shitty women's stories in this catalog don’t get me wrong. 

London: You know what? But I hear nothing about NV's. That's the real lesson here. 

Bethany: As long as you only date non binary people, you're safe. 

London: I agree. Nothing more to say. 

Bethany:Yes. Literally. You know what? I actually do have a good non binary shitty person story, actually. 

Zoe: So to get us started, what is the line that has to be crossed for you to walk out on a date? 

London: They have to be a man. If I show up and they're a man, I'm leaving. 

Zoe: It's time to go.

London: It's time to go.

Bethany: I think every lesbian was just like, yeah, that's typically how that goes. I love men. You have to be more than a man. You should be a shitty man. 

Bethany:If you don't tip. You're shitty to your server. I'm walking down.

Zoe: Absolutely. If you talk shit about your mom and then if you like, don't tip, that's a major red flag for me. And that's not even like dating stuff like that's. Just like anyone that I'm with, it's just very I don't know, it's very telling of their character.

London: I feel like it's very easy to tell how someone treats other people by the way they talk to you. It's very clear at that moment. So all the things you said, like, very big red flags. If someone is just disrespectful.

Bethany: One of the biggest red flags for me is if they have too many crazy ex stories. Like, if you have like one or two, like, oh, my ex was crazy. Yeah, one or two. I'm like, yeah, for sure. You can totally date, like, that many crazy people. But if every single one of your exes? oh, she was crazy. Oh, that b@#$! was crazy. Oh, he was crazy. I'm like everyone?

London:Are they the crazy one, babe? Because I don't know. I don't know about that one. 

Bethany: Obviously you are a little crazy yourself because either you are attracting these people that you're calling crazy and also crazy is such a vague term. What is really your complaint? Are you really complaining about mental illness? Or is there like an actual series of behaviors you're complaining about here? Like crazy, so vague. It's like such a throwaway line. 

Bethany: As soon as a woman, you don't want her to be taken seriously anymore. She's crazy. What does that mean? I don't know. Whatever I want it to mean at that moment.

Zoe: Also just like if you start off like a date with talking about your crazy exes, like keeping that in quotations, that's a big red flag in the first place. 

London: I was going to say I'm glad you guys have actual red flags because some of my red flags are like if people like certain music artists that are known to be mine aren't some deep like oh, you don't tip or anything. Mine is like Chris. Brown.

Bethany: Which music artist, oh Chris Brown. Because if it's Chris Brown, that counts as a political affiliation. I'm like, if you like Chris Brown, like, no Kanye at this point as well. 

London: Oh, I like Kanye. I'm a big red flag. I'm sorry. 

Zoe: All by London. London is fired. My thing on that man kanye. Yay. I think he just changed his name to Yay. Isn't it just yay now? Yeah, he makes some stellar music, I will say. But, like, if you are one of those people that's like, I just want to be Kanye so bad, I think that…

London:  I feel like you have to be disconnected. So Kanye says a lot of things, but it's like, at the end of the day, I can still say that's all in, like, how seriously you decide to take people that are in public media anyway, because all of that's a shit show anyway.

Bethany: That's true. The thing about Kanye is he takes it farther than just his own media poll. He's used it for political influence now. 

London: That's true. I get that. 

Bethany: But, yeah Chris Brown. As soon as they still like Chris Brown.  

London: I actually have a horrible dating story about that because not the last person, but someone I recently went on a date with really liked Chris Brown. And I was like, that's why I said that's why I said that. I was like, no, thank you. Thanks for the free dinner, though. But no.

Zoe: I mean, at some point, if you don't go on a couple of dates just for the dinner aspect of it, but then it's like I also say that and usually if I go on a date, I pay my own dinner because I'm like, I don't want to owe you anything. 

London: So I'm broke so thank you for the free meal. I can't complain.

Bethany: I don't know, I've almost never done, like, a dinner date. I almost always do, like, weird dates. I've been to a theme park

Zoe:  But I think you're married.

Bethany:Okay? I've not always been married. Jesus Christ. I have to meet him at some point.

London: No, she's like, you have a kid, you all have been together forever, Like you don't even know what you're talking about. You've never been on a date.

Zoe: Bethany, when she was dating, she'd go to the local rock bar where you just drink rocks. Her husband created the Wheel before they met. 

Bethany: I love how everyone acts like, I'm so old, I'm fucking 25, you guys just crying.

London: Bethany, you have a kid, you have a family, you have an adult life. I'm sorry. 

Zoe:She's a different type of old. Anyway, okay, do you want to get into some of our submissions or I have a good one to process this. I don't really date. I think it's boring. I just can't stand to respond to messages that frequently. And also just like having to make plans and like, make myself look presentable. Also, no one can keep up with me. 

Bethany: That's valid.

Zoe: More on that later. Also, fun fact, I started envying when I was like 19, so there's that. I do a lot. I do love things. So there was this one time that I was going to hook up with this guy and the scent of his fucking balls, y'all. I remember grabbing my phone and sending a text to my friend to be like, you got to call me and tell me my dog got out. And she did. She called me and she told me that my dog got out and so I had to be like, oh my gosh, this is crazy, I got to go, I'm so sorry. Can I rain check? And I got the fucking out of there. But when I tell you the scent and it was like wet dog ball sacks and I was like, I know. Can't get any scarier than that.

Bethany: Gross. I would have told that mother F$#@!..,I'd have been like, go take a f@$#! Shower if you want me to suck your dig, man!. 

Zoe: Literally pay me more money.

Bethany:  So there's this one.That I have where this guy messaged me at 03:00 A.m… 

Zoe: Oh nothing good ever comes from that right. 

Bethany: Yeah,so we were coworkers. We were like friendly co-workers. I don't know if I called him as friends, but we were definitely friendly. So he texted me at like two or 03:00 A.m. If I wanted to come cuddle. I know what the f@#$! you mean, bro. You don't mean cuddle. And then I text him back like, is this a booty call? Lol. I text him, like, joking. And then I kind of ignored him. But the next day at work, he brought it up at work so I turned him down.So he comes up to me, like, in front of our co-workers, and he's like, oh, what? So you weren't good enough to come and talk to me and come hang out with me? Like, you have to assume I want something, like chewing me out for rejecting him, like, in front of people I work with. You do not fucking bull that bullshit up with me at fucking work, man. I don't give a f@#!. And so I turned around to him and he was trying to be, like, split about it, whispering to me, like he was going to start at work and I wasn't going to make a scene.He doesn't know me very well, though, apparently, because I made a f!@#$ scene. And I was like, who the f$#!@ do you think you're talking to? Like, screaming in the middle of work until my supervisor came back around.Motherf@#!$is so entitled. I didn't hook up with him at 03:00 A.m. And he's going to chew me out about it in front of everyone I know. Like, oh, my coworkers.

Zoe: I just can't believe that men are so f@#$! entitled to just, like, think that someone's down to come over at that ungodly hour, which if you're that person cool, do that.But like but then just to get so upset that you literally have to bring it up in front of so many people, like, thinking that other people are going to be on your side aggravating to me.

Bethany:Yeah. I don't know whether he thought other people would side with him or he thought I wasn't going to chew his ass out in front of all these people, but he was wrong on both fronts. Ladies always call him out. I mean, gentlemen too. But let's be real. This happens more with ladies. If some dude tries to be creepy with you in public and is trying to play off like you're going to be nice in public, like, make a f#@$scene because they're playing on the fact that you have social niceties and manners, like, make a f@#% scene. 

Zoe: Don't be that person fun either. If you're listening to this, which I feel like is if you're that person, you're not our demographic. But in the freak chance that you are happening to listen to this podcast right now, don't be f!@#$ weird. I just don't take a f@!#% hint. Also, why don't you just wait it out till morning? Just use your hand, bro. You're fine. 

London: People are so weird when it comes to dating sometimes. I've had such weird experiences recently. This one guy, he came up to me and he started talking to me. And he was pretty nice. So I started talking back to him for once in my f!@#% life. I usually don't .Men are gross. But I started talking back to him. And then I let him take my number. I usually don't. And I immediately regretted it because I was like, I'm going to the gym. Because I was walking to the gym. And then I am there and he like, text me. And I guess I don't answer quickly enough. And he immediately starts calling me and blowing my phone up. And I have to immediately block him. And it was so freaking weird. I was like, oh, why would I be nice?

Bethany: Don't give your number out. Like, he literally started texting me. Like, triple texting me. This dude I'd known for like 30 minutes. I'm like, oh, we're doing this. This is what we're doing. Okay no!

Zoe: I feel like there's always red flags, you know? Like, if someone's going to be like, weird, like, hopefully, you know, they make it pretty clear. 

London: Well, I feel like someone like that is going to make it clear immediately because I'm a person who does not answer you, especially in the beginning if you're not important to me yet. So if you're someone who wants an answer or wants attention or wants to, like, immediately to have my time, it's not going to work out because I'm going to be like, no, I don't have time for you sorry.

Bethany: But I'm a man. You don't want to talk to me?

London:Like, you're lucky I told you my real name.

Zoe: My go to fake name is Liz. Because then if you were to try to look me up on Facebook, you know how many fucking Liz's there are? Elizabeth, Lizzy, Eliza, liz. There's so many ways that you can spell Elizabeth. It's one of my favorites. I highly recommend it.

Bethany:  I should probably get a fake name. You google Bethany Cavazier. There's one of them.

Zoe: And it's you.

 Bethany: Yeah, and it's me. At least London. It's like England.

London: I have a fake name too, it's Jada, people don’t believe me but it's okay. I don't like giving out my name. I don't trust nobody, my first, last, middle, any of it. 

Bethany: You want the first initial.

Zoe: You don't even get the privilege of having that

London:Like I know you for how long? Who are you? Were you sitting here to kill me? I don't trust you or you here to kill me?.

Bethany: That's a real horror story, baby. I did have a guy threaten to kill me one time. Don't threaten to murder people because they Don'T want to f$#!@ you, by the way. 

Zoe:What the f#@!!? Literally, that's what the f!@#$. Just in terms of, like, rejection and like so anytime that someone comes up to me and they're like, hey, do you have a boyfriend?,My favorite response is to like. Procure, like a puzzled look on my face and go, no, I have a wife. Why?

Bethany: I wouldn't say that shit either. 

Zoe:Because they get so fucking uncomfortable. 

Bethany: The reason I would be concerned about would be sexual assault among and three, some guy will hear, your ass is married to a woman.

London: Yeah! ,see that's why I say the one about having a boyfriend, because I still got one. And be like, no, I have a girlfriend. But then I know that definitely won't steer me away. But I know that if I say I have a boyfriend and they kind of like back down a little bit for obvious reasons because I'm owned by a man and they respect that but freaking weird. 

Zoe: So we pulled a few horror stories from Reddit, and there's one actually that we have from our own team. So without further ado, I think we're going to get started. I think Bethany is going to get us started.

Bethany: This one's actually our submission from our employee. We put it out there for all our employees to submit their horror hookups. And unsurprisingly people don't want to talk about their traumatic sex lives at work. Who knew? So we had one person submit, and it was the first and last day I went on with a guy, and one of the first questions he asked me was if I had daddy issues. I texted him later and told him I didn't think it was going to work out. And he replied, saying he thought we had a good time. 

London: Man so far removed from reality.

Bethany: Hey, you got daddy issues. Like, that's such a sexy first line. Like, when I want to know a bitch, it's the first thing I ask. 

Zoe: Why is that your go to? This is what I want to know about someone.

Bethany: If you wanted to know if they had daddy issues, you could totally be like, oh, so what's your relationship with your parents? Like, that's a valid first date question. 

London: Yeah, I agree with the bethany. Like, I feel like there's better ways to find that out. But I do think you can tell a lot about a person based on if they have daddy issues. I say that as a person with daddy issues. 

Zoe: But I also don't know anyone who doesn't have daddy issues. I don't trust people who don't have daddy issues. 

London: If you like your dad, then you probably are him. And then and that's the issue. Maybe you should reflect. 

Bethany: The crazy thing about the daddy issues question, though, is what was your motivation? .

Why do you want to know if they have daddy issues? Are you trying to avoid certain types of people in relationships? At least I can understand that motivation if not the execution. But part of me, like, the way that question was phrased just makes me think, hey, do you have daddy? 

Zoe: Seems like a fetish.

Bethany: Yeah. Fetish. Because that will make it easier to f@!# you. 

London: My question is, am I watching out for you? Or, like you said, Is this a fetish? Because I was thinking more of the fetish line. 

Bethany: Yeah, it's that phrasing. I was thinking about daddy issues. Like you're looking for that in a woman. Daddy issues is such a f%#@ misogynistic thing. Anyway, how come it's my fault? How it can be my fault that my dad was a piece of shit

London:Absolutely. 

Bethany:How is that my fault? 

London: All right, so I'm going to read the next one. I went home with a dude who had done a little too much glow at the party we were at. And while he was sucking my dick, something happened with his jaw or something. But the next thing I know, there's a stinging pain on my dick. And I looked down and his smile was full of blood. Dude cut a piece of my frenulum off with his teeth and was just sucking the blood out of my dick like nothing was wrong. Horror spooky season. We love vampires. 

Bethany: That is a horror. Oh, my God. Edward Cullen sucking dick, man. 

London:This is why Jedward had issues. Why didn't it work? 

Bethany: Jacob got his frenulum bit off and that was the engine. 

London:I freaked a bit and went into the bathroom to apply pressure or wrap it up, but since I had been drinking, it wouldn't stop bleeding. Oh, my goodness. No. Mind you, he's trying to kiss me. No. Why is he still trying? Nothing goes right when the story starts.

Bethany: I know. Like, it didn't start on a good note. 

London: Mind you, he's trying to kiss me and continue messing around. All the while I'm thinking, lol. Imagine that's how I died. Imagine dying like that. Edward, bite your fucking dick off and you die. Oh, my goodness.

Bethany: That's the worst way. What are they going to say in the obituary lip dick? 

London: I ended up crashing at his place because I couldn't drive and then went home the next day and tried to forget about it. I'm reminded of this every time I look at my dick and see a little bit missing. That is a horror story through and through. I cannot imagine that happening to me also. That kind of well, no, it doesn't. Never mind. I was going to say that kind of happens in generations, but he just gets in his eye, so never mind. 

Bethany: Oh, who hasn't gotten their eye coming? 

Zoe:That's true. That's a character builder. 

London: Yeah. Like biting your dick off is a little bit different from just getting in your eye. Like, wait, you guys. Okay, I do have a horrible dating story from one of my friends about this. I was telling Zoe, a lot of my friends have horrible dating stories, so. Probably a couple of days before I was over at his place and we were chilling, and he was talking to this girl, and he was like it was a girl in his building. And he was trying to, like, hook up with her and trying to see if she was trying to come up, you know, hang out, you know, deal the deed, you know and then he was trying to get here and I was like, Come on, let's go knock on her door and you know, ask her, you know, being nice, Fred. He was like, No, he was embarrassed. I was like, whatever, you must not really, you're not willing to put in the effort, fine, whatever. And then I left and he, and then later on, he texts me and he's like, she came over. And she was sucking my dick. And she'd been my day. And then he was like, it was like, she'd been my sick. And I was like, on purpose. And he was like, yeah, and then he was like, and then I was like, what? And she was like, Oh, she was like, doing it for funsies or something. And he was like, oh, no, stop. That's not funny. And then he she didn't stop. And I was like, Bro, that's, that's a that's sexual violence. My guy. That's not okay. But he was like, so chill about it.

Bethany: It's so wild to me. Like, I feel like I hear stories about men having like acts of sexual violence committed against them. And they're like, super casual about it. And I'm like, baby has nobody ever told you that was wrong. 

London:I felt like they didn't see it as real. 

Bethany: It's like, you're a boy. But you still have consent. Like you can still be like your gender presentation, or assignment or any of that stuff does not determine whether you are going to be assaulted in your life. And so skinny little, like, lightweight, little girl that you think can't hurt you. Sometimes, and that's not okay. Like you're allowed to like, stand up for yourself.

London: Yeah, like, I feel like when it comes to my experience with sexual violence, and like men, it always just seems like to them it doesn't feel as real or it doesn't feel like as violent.

Bethany: And I mean, we're kind of guilty of it too. But I think so much of it kind of comes from that like demonization of men too. Because the sexual assault, right, men are also not awesome.

Zoe:Well, and I don't know how recent they are now. But like stats from rain are literally like one in six men experience sexual violence within their lives. And that's how it was reported. So it's like, that's like one in six men literally go into the police to be like, this happened to me. Like, it's wild, it's wild the way that they do it. I used to work in like sexual violence, advocacy, and all that shit and like, fucking crazy the ways that like, we treat that and like I, I mean, even doing that work for years where like, I'd have like, multiple people actually, like come into the hospital to have a kit done a night. And like, I saw one, one man, the entire time that I was there. So like, again, hundreds of people, one man. And I remember the nurse kind of treating him like shit.

Bethany: How many men are even told about shit like that. Like, if you ask like the average woman. Now obviously, I'm talking in like sis terms here, I know, we're getting a little gender binary. And these combos,

Zoe: one a lot of like, the stats around that too are like very, very, very binary. 

Bethany: How many men even care about that, like most women know, you can go to the hospital and get a break kit, or they know there's resources out there. And there's like so many resources out there that are specifically designed for women. And I think that even like, that hurts like trans men too, like, I know, it's only kind of sorta related, but like there's this huge issue with like trans men trying to get like the discussion of pregnancy, like the discussion of women taking out a pregnancy, because they genuinely can't get medical care because they're men, even though they can get pregnant. So I assume there's like an overlap there. And like the sexual assault world, where if you are sexually assaulted, as like, a trans man or a sis man, that there's just not like a network for you?

Zoe: Well, and especially to like, just the way in which like the sexual abuse examination kit is created. I don't think we had a body model. So like the paperwork, you have to like, if there's anything sort of like Mark or anything on your body, you have to like mark it down on this, like, there's a ton of paperwork that comes with it. And it's like a sheet. So like, it was only, like, very like, boobs, vagina, vulva, like we'll just leave, just didn't have a sheet for penises like that. I mean, that's that but like, there wasn't it's still like the checkbox like Are you a girl or boy and like there's no room for like, trans man trans woman like even just like gender non conforming, non binary like that kind of shit. So it's just like, there's already so many people that are left out of those conversations. And then when you have like the actual reporting of it done, it's just further kind of written out of that, even like the resources for men and like trans folks in general. Like there's just no shit for anyone, which is really disappointing and it's like, especially when you take into account that like no one even wants to do that anyways, because it takes hours to have a kit done. And do you have to repeat your story, like a minimum of three times at least in like the state that I was trained, but then it's like, I know, we were one of the best states. So if you were to go into a different state, and like the trauma that that could cause but then also like, even just like the reporting process is like a fucking mess. Even seeking out resources is a fucking disaster. So we have another submission from our team. So this one says, okay, so I had planned a date with this one guy, and hours before the date, and in parentheses, we met on an app, so we'd only ever texted, he facetimes me, he was talking to me, like asking me what he should wear to the state. So I showed up to the day and he was in this huge puffer jacket that was reflective and literally looking at him hurt my hands. I didn't realize what it looked like in person until 30 minutes into the date. And then we realized that he was in one of my classes, and I only realized who I was because I'd gotten into a fight on the class discussion board, because he was a Trump supporter.

Bethany: In my younger unmarried days, I know I'm a dinosaur now. Um, but in my younger and married days, I was a fan of the one night stand because I fuck you and and wouldn't have to deal with you afterwards. 

Zoe: Literally It's so easy. 

Bethany: Yeah,I know. So convenient. But the problem is, I, I talked for pillow talk. And one of my I was like, So who would you vote for? And so the first one was, so the first one was, well, I'm not a Republican, but I believe in a lot of things they do, which is I'm a Republican or a libertarian, typically. And then one of them. I had a one night stand with a coworker, which was fine, because he was like a chill co worker, I thought I did a good little pick. Um, and then he ended up not only being a Republican, he was like, on the alt right. And I'm like, see, this is what I don't fuck people. I don't know anymore. And it's not gonna happen anymore. Like, I will not, I will not stand for this.

London:That's horrible. I'm so glad that I'm such a like, given who I am, such a turnout for Republicans that I'm not even worried about attracting them.

Bethany:I literally don't know what the fuck it is about me. Something about me must scream conservative, because this is not the first time I've picked up a couple of Republicans. I've had Republicans hit on me before that. Those are the two that came into hookups. And then all the little kids at school always think I was there's something about me

Zoe: Purely off of like, what I have noticed, Bethany, do you have boobs?

London: Maybe that?

Zoe: Okay, so Republicans are such, like boob men.

London: That's true. 

Zoe: So here's the thing is that like, if you've got blonde hair and a boob, your fucking dream girl 

Bethany:Oh really,my god. I am a dream girl but they don't know. Like, yeah, right, but you're wrong. 

Zoe: Um, there's this tweet by Sarah shower that I retweeted the other day and it makes me laugh because I think about it every time. But Sarah shower tweeted, I feel like such a Republican when I think about how much I like big boobs.

Bethany: I never even thought of that. As a bisexual girl. I've always preferred like, smaller Titi See.

Zoe: I’m like a big titty off girlfriend kind of girl. 

Bethany: What I heard was and I liked it. So stolen. I mean, no shame to Victini bitches. I'm also one of those. But like, more than a handful is a waste anyway.

London: I disagree. I love big titties, which is what I think I love. I feel like I respect them so much as someone who's a little too bitch. No teddy bear actually, um, I feel like big city bitches are doing the hard work. They're carrying it on their backs, with their back problems. Like they're doing the best that they can. So much respect for them. And also, I think they all look great. 

Bethany: See, I'm a sucker for a big booty, man. You got a fat ass.

London: I love this fat ass,because I love to play with fat ass. But I also have a Fat ass so I can just play with my own eyes, but I don't get to. I don't like to have soft fluffy titties in my life.

Bethany: See, maybe that's the thing. I got titties and…

London: Probably is the thing.

Bethany: I don't like reverse X. It's like a concave.

London: But then I like men with fat ass but I feel like that's because men usually don't have a lot to offer in general.

Bethany: Are like thick thighs. I love me some kickass thighs man.

Zoe: Oh, yeah, see, here's the thing is that I've had their boobs. I like big boobs. I think I am very average but you know it's not small. It's not big. I don't really do anything. I feel like if I was to actually work out maybe it would do something but like, you know, like I love a good pet ask but like it's also just one of those things of like, I like it to nap on you know? Like a boob is something that I can nap on but something I know is a thigh something I can nap on.

Bethany: That's why I don't like people who are like super bill like you can be like strong like strong as cool strong a sexy I got to straw, but like the dudes that are like yeah, I got like 0% body fat I'm like Well then what's my sister? Like you are.

Zoe:like a rock? Do you really want me to be heard Bella Swan and Edward Cullen like

Bethany: I couldn't have been Bella because the second he took the battery out of my car somebody will be fucking stabbed in the end.

London:I just don't understand how she laid up like a cold ass rock and was like, I love you like bitch No.

Bethany: Well, she was a little virgin. She doesn't know the comparison. I think when you're young, you really love that, like SQL model actors. It's not until you get older and have real experience with things. I think you kind of want more real looking people?

Zoe: Yeah ,but like not like I don't want to hug you and have you just be like a solid rock to me. Yeah.

Bethany: Alright, so I have one that's really, really, really short. But I wanted to read it. This was one line. So in the state, it was a tinder hookup. It said, the guy I met with was black. And he wanted me to call him dot dot dot things. It really killed the mood.

London: ​​I saw that wave and I died. It's my favorite.

Bethany:My favorite part is dot dot dot.Because you know what the fucking things I think it's.

London: So hilarious because I'm like, I wish loki wished that it said it and that we could read it out because? Well, I could read it out. I think it'd be hilarious. But yeah, that sounds like me. Reading that one. And last, but I still think it's very funny. Um, I felt like that as a whole. I felt like people who have raised kings or like King seven would do with race are so interesting.

Bethany: I feel like if you get a white person that's down to play risky with you, they're probably someone with them. Because I think the average like white person if you were like, Hey, call me the N word will be like, Ah, no. Good, actually, like, you know.

Zoe:  Well, there's still like, I feel like a hard enough argument where someone can be like, I'm not racist.

Bethany: I'm sorry, though. I'm not calling you any racial anything. Like if you're white, I'll call you white slurs and we call you a Cracker.

London:. I think I think they're so funny because, like, obviously, they're interesting. And there's a lot to be said about that. And obviously, it's racist and you shouldn't do it two out of 10 when I think it's there's a lot to say about people who do participate in it, though. It's crazy that people like out there just but it's not just like, obviously white people, black people white, like their whole like weed culture and like white people, like being obsessed with like fetishizing Asians, it's kind of problematic to do you think there's ever.

Bethany: Like white people? They're like, Oh, yeah, with my ass they call me a hunky. Like you're like, I want to know the reverse. I want like a white person to like, approach a black person instead of being like, hey, I want to subjugate you awesome to be like, Hey, let's have some fucking historical justice that turns me on baby. Like, like you can beat the snot out of me this time like fuck my ancestors. Right?

London: Effectual reparations. 

Bethany: I've got a reparations cake baby like, hit my hotkey and asked who I'm a redneck. He told me all about it. It's not good. People, by the way.

London: I can't remember any of them off the top of my head. Like, I don't know we're going to, I don't know. It's going to talk to me. But I guess it would be black tick tock, because I don't know. But there was like a growing list of like, the most random slurs for like white people. And it'd be like mayo sucker or some shit like that. It's absolutely hilarious. If I ever, ever find it, I'm going to show you guys. But there is a growing list of slurs for white people. I will say that. Alright, so I'm gonna read the next story. I was having a great night with this guy at the end of the night. And at the end of the night, he walked me to my car. He wanted to sit in the car with me, which I found was odd, but whatever. And he pulls me onto his lap to make out which felt odd as an adult, but again, whatever. Now the following day, he calls me informing me that says we stayed up so late last night and he had to work so early the next day he wore the same jeans for our date to work. Well, he did not realize and to my absolute horror, I started my period while sitting on him in the car. He did not notice until his colleagues pointed out stains on his pants. Welcome to the horror story of a wife. That is a horror story. There's blood, there's trauma.

Bethany: I like it was one word they fucked up for this one. Like, I feel like so many of them are. Oh yeah, my date was a nightmare. This one's like, I fucked up like.

London: Wild. I also feel like the stories are super common, like people accidentally starting their periods like, like the worst possible time or just bleeding through or like shit like that.

Bethany: Like hopefully they were cool about it though. They were like, you know, I hope.

London: Well, like they sound like they were cool. I hope so you know.

Bethany: Why is this person so weirded out by making out? Yeah, like there was something they pointed out a couple of times. They were like, oh my god, we made out in the car.

Zoe: Go into his lap. So like, if you but like if you are like a grown ass adult and like, you have like some guy pull you into your lap. Like that's just like an awkward situation where you have to like, cross over like You're like the shifter and like the cupholders and like all this shit.

Bethany: Obviously she didn't like and that might get you mean for you to like the spindle over here. Like I'm hopping in your lap.

Zoe: I would have been like, let's get out and let's happen the back.

London: And a grown up and someone tried to do that. I might question it a little more. I felt like it's still not that weird.

Bethany:  Yeah. How old are grown adults?

Zoe: Bethany's age, an absolute dinosaur.

Bethany: Oh my god, I know?

London: Like so. Are you like 45? Were you like, because I felt like for someone to say as a grown up. Yeah. So it's like, are you 45 or 25?.

Zoe: But here's the thing, though, is that my mom is 46 and still getting railed and like the back of her truck and like yeah, that Yeah.

Bethany: Live your best life f!%$#.

London:I mean, I guess if you like it you haven't done that in like years, I guess.

Bethany:  Oh no, I don't know. I feel like that's like perspective. I think that depends on the person. Because you could also be like, Oh, it's exciting.Oh it’s revolutionary.

Zoe: But kids you know, and like you just like can only get your socks off. Like whenever you need, like, whenever you have the time like.

Bethany: That's what I was thinking. I was like, you know, I got a fucking four year old sometimes we're trying to take it to downtown little bit just pounding on the door. 

Zoe: She's got shit to tell you.

Bethany:  She's like, Oh, man. I'm like, listen here, kid.

Zoe:  Mommy will be a better mommy when she's done.

Bethany: Be a much better mommy if you give me 20 minutes.

Zoe: Okay, I've got a good one. To end our Miraculous. I don't know what I'm saying to end our storytime.

Bethany:Because they're scary. Yeah, they're scary.

Zoe:Horrendous time spine tingling spine. Oh, that's kinky. Good. Um, okay, so this one I got set up on a blind date. We were texting for a bit before the date. But this is before camera phones. I'm so old. So we weren't able to swap phones or any or swap photos or anything. So I literally went into this blind date blind. He told me he was six too. So I was expecting a giant. Given that I'm five foot, the man that had racked up was shorter than me but he accused me of lying about my height. It was the most surreal conversation I've ever had on a date. We didn't even see the end of the date because he said he couldn't date a liar. I still chuckle about it now though.

Bethany: I fucking remember finding that one and just being like, how are you going to accuse her of lying? You're the one who came in six, two, and you ended up being like five, two.

Zoe: That's wild to me. But that's like also like, apparently, like, you know, like if this person was five foot tall. And this person said that they were six feet tall like this, this person who walked up is just over five feet. Like that is a lot of height. Just to say that, you know, like you can pull off a couple.

London: when you meet someone and like if it was like five and six feet, you'd have to like that person will have to look up to you for them to for you to be shorter than them is ridiculous.

Bethany: Yeah, like I was wondering if he thought maybe she was going to be so short. She wouldn't notice and then when he realized that wasn't going to be the case. He was like fuck like back out real quick. How am I gonna get out of this situation? Like I'm gonna blame her somehow you're a liar dude and like if you're a fucking five feet tall, like I understand not all women are down for short dudes like and that's shitty, but just tell the truth because what do you think's gonna be more upsetting finding out, you're five feet tall on Tinder or finding out you're five feet tall when I meet you. And it turns out you entirely lied about your identity, which is.

London: I never understand people who like, really lie, like, in really significant ways. I mean, at all, but like, especially in really obvious ways like that. And then don't expect the other person to say or do anything when they eventually meet like, how did you think that was gonna go?

Bethany: Yeah, it's like, how did you think this was gonna play out? Did you think I was gonna pretend that you were the same person in the photos?

Zoe: You don't even have photos that this person literally had to like, just straight up be like, I'm this tall.

Bethany: I just thought that that was gonna work out.

London: And then still continue through with it and then like, wait on the date knowing that.

Bethany: But what's amazing is that then he had the audacity you'd be like, you know, you lie. It's like the worst version of when your partner is speeding, so they start to accuse you of cheating. Like that, but like 10 times dumber.

London: Speaking of cheating on your partner, I have another quick horror story. My friend Celebi, she met this guy on a dating app been, they were talking for a little bit, and then they ended up going out. And he as she's like, on the date with this guy, his girlfriend. His girlfriend shows up. And it's like, Who the fuck is is obviously referring to my friend and my friend is just sitting there. Like, it's so awkward. And that's actually not even the first time she's been the other girl. But oh, no. But it's so interesting. I don't know. It's so bad when people are like, have their own, like terrible relationships. But it's even worse when they drag other people into it. You know?

Bethany: Yeah, you know, that was one I saw a lot. I'm gonna read this one off the top real quick. Just this is only like a couple sentences. And it's like, irrelevant. But it's like we had this other one we just pulled which is the first time I hooked up with a guy who was putting dinner in. As I was getting ready to leave. I asked him what he was making. And he said, it's this casserole, it's my husband's favorite and my heart stopped. I've never wanted to leave someone's apartment so quickly. And that's not the only one like that. There's like three where they're like, Yeah, we were hanging out and flirting and then I found out about their wife and kids.

Zoe: No, let me read you this one because it's on par with that, but a little bit worse. I met a guy on OkCupid. I was 24. He was 25. He brought his fucking mom to the date. She dropped him off and sat with us for lunch. It was super awkward. She was nice and everything but he texts me things during the day like she's my best friend. Please don't be mad.

Bethany: What's really weird is his mom, who was, you know, used to be a woman who went on dates, I'm assuming what's like, oh, yeah, she'll be totally cool that you brought your mom with you literally. What would you rather have shown to their mom or their spouse?

London:Their mom, I don't want anything to do with people who like, cheat on each other. Or if someone's cheating or getting cheated. Like I want nothing to do with that. Like, I'd rather have someone like Mom show up because then I could then it's like, okay, you're just a weirdo. And I won't go out with you again. I used to have to pray. They're not like Norman Bates. 

London: Yeah. Like, I'm like, You're just a weirdo. I'm not gonna go out with you again. Like, it's fine. This was like one of those weird experiences that I told my friends about. And I'm like, Haha, his mom was on a date. Not gonna see him again. But like the Jingwen you're like, damn, someone got cheated. Boyd. It's the whole thing. It's like everybody's the victim. I don't want to get caught in the crossfire. Whatever. It's the type of person who wants to come and throw hands and I don't want to get in a fight. I just don't want the anxiety.

Bethany: I never understood that. Like, why do you always want to beat the shit out of the person that your partner is cheating, like with your partner. 

London: I could understand like, especially in our society, but I couldn't understand how the pressure is like, hey, not to like not get mad at your partner. And it makes more sense to get mad at them. Like, especially when it's the other woman. It's easier. Because it's the whole thing of like, it's not his responsibility. And especially when women go back to shitty men.

Bethany: They can blame her. That's because it wasn't him. She did it. Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. If my husband cheated on me. I think his ass would be the one like getting an earful from me. I don't think I'd be yelling at whoever the other person was. Especially when they don't know.

London:Yeah, I feel like it's the worst if you don't know because you're caught off guard.

Bethany: But it's like why you're gonna treat me like shit if I didn't know.

Zoe: And you ever want to be like that person? Never do right? Yeah, I think if I was to choose between the two I feel like if I sat down and like someone brought their like spouse along, I'd be like, Is this one of those weird things where you asked me to be in a threesome with y'all. 

Bethany:That’s  literally what I thought. I was like, your spouse's name at the beginning. I'd be like, are you hoping I'm a bisexual unicorn and I want to have a threeway with you guys. Because then the question is: How cute is their spouse? Other than that, I would say Mom, though Mom, if it's a cheating thing then yeah, yeah, cuz I don't know what if the mom is super cool.

London: What did you like the mom or? Yeah, literally my goal was to f!@#$ the mom at that point. Then I'm like, okay, he's a fucking weirdo. But I don't know her yet.

Bethany: That's your own competition baby. pageant going on that day like, oh, yeah, my mom came along. And then the crazy thing my dad said to my mom. Like that would be your dating horror story.

London: If it's like a threesome thing, then I'd be down to hear them out.

Bethany: You mean, what a married couple.

London: Yeah, like if it was like a marriage, like if it was like a threesome, and they're like, Hey, do you want me to? But still, I'd be down to hear them out. I'd still be weirded out that they tried to ambush me.

Bethany:  Yeah,that's probably the weirdest part is the ambush. Not the request, necessarily. But like the fact that you're like thinking you're going on a date.

London: Or am I trying to steal that person's partner if their partner is hotter than them?

Bethany: Yeah, that's why I had to ask, like, how cute is the spouse? Like I feel like that's important. Important. How cute to mom. I'm important details I need to know. 

London: Right? How can you be the other part? How cute is the other person that you're going to be on our date? Because if they're cuter, or just cooler than you, then you fucked up.

Bethany:  I went on a date and now she's my step.

Zoe: I do it. I do it. You know, I do it.

London: So fast. I love I don't know why I love making the joke to whoever I'm seeing about fucking their parents because it makes them so uncomfortable. And I'm like, Yes, I want to seduce your parents and become your stepmom. Because I just think it's fucking hilarious.

Zoe: Like, it's just one of those like super weird taboo things where it's just like, it's so funny. It's so funny because it's like, you know, like, it's not supposed to happen, it will probably never happen, but like it it's one of those things where it's like, just like, in reach.

London: Enough, but also sometimes their parents is actually yes, like sometimes I might fuck your period, if given the chance. I'm sorry, babe,

Bethany: They probably don't really think you're gonna that kind of adds to the comedy. Like it's such an extreme, but I'm probably not acting the fuck you dad or your mom and what's their real cool.

Zoe: So 1 final story. So what am I like? One of my best friends who still likes my best friend today. I used to call her dad like a hat and then his name. And I'm not gonna say his name. Just because like we hang out now and it's whatever. Like I'm friends with both of our parents. I used to call him hot all the time. And I guess he likes to find out whatever. But keep in mind, I was definitely like 16 at the time like her dad's like a dad's age. I don't know, like, whatever dad ages. Yeah, whatever dad ages. So like, significantly older than I am, regardless and like I have no reason to be like 16 And like lusting after like a full grown adult.

Bethany: Grown adult. That's normal. And lusting after you would be the weird part. Yeah, That's normal. And lusting after you would be the weird part.

Zoe:  Yeah,that's true. That's true. But I guess he found out one time and got like really, really, really weird out again. So like, sometimes you just like to think back on that. Like we never actually brought that up like, I gotta like family game night at their house now. Like, sometimes it's in the back of my mind. Like I think about the fact that like, he knows that I used to call them hot and like it's terrifying. And on that note, I hope everyone has a great night and you know what? If time if  the turntables f@#!$ the dad.

London: F!@#$ their fuck their dad.

Zoe, Bethany, London:  Happy Halloween!!

Zoe: Bye!

London: Bye!

Bethany:Bye!